I'm So Alone!

This is a blog purely to make Jordan feel better about his life.

• I have no job, have been looking for aaaaaages but no luck (although I do have an interview for a short-term role tomorrow)
• I have no money
• I life in a cold, ugly flat with scary, violent neighbours and close to a guy who follows me
• I'm chubby
• I have a scarred left eye and can't see out of it and will need to have a cornea transplant to fix it and when I think about it I realise how scary it's going to be.

Gahhhhh!!!!!

Saying No

Yesterday I called the director of You're A Good Man Charlie Brown , the show I was recently given a small part in, and told him that I would be dropping out. My friends will know that this has been a big issue and something I've talked about non-stop this past week. As I said previously I was cast in a "supporting role" which means that as there are only 6 characters in the show, the director decided to make up some roles which would involved us standing around at the back of the stage and uttering the odd word here and there. Or petting Snoopy at one point.

I accepted the role because a couple of friends cast in the same parts wanted me to do it but after the first rehearsal it was clear that I was going to be wasted in a support role. I spent that evening shaking with anger as it became clear just how much I was fobbed off with this role and it clearly would not be worth my time playing it. In terms of talent there was clearly no difference between me and the lead female (except she has an authentic American accent and I "only" have a really good fake American accent) so I am left very confused at what the deciding factor was. The director himself knows (or should know) from his own personal experience that I am a loyal (to the show and the company), dependable and GOOD performer with energy & charisma on stage. That's the collective opinion of a group of people who had seen & worked with me so I do not have an over-inflated opinion of myself.

For the first time ever I STRONGLY had a lot of faith in myself and was confident I could carry off a lead role and excel at it. I'm extremely frustrated that people who should know me don't have the same faith in me. However I refuse to let that shoot down the little confidence I have built up in me. I've paid my dues to this company over the years and it hasn't paid off. I seems I will always be typecast in the small, support roles that no one else wants to do. I am now determined to move on from this and progress. I even went to an emergency audition for a role in another production (their lead female performer has gone awol) last night. I was a bit nervous which did affect some of my singing but pulled it together for the big crescendo, the harmonies and the acting part so although not 100% perfect, definitely not bad either. Worthy of a lead in YAGMCB for sure. Still waiting for the outcome of that audition and while it would be fantastic to get the part, it is a huge & demanding role so I understand if I didn't quite make the grade this time.

Final note: My friends have been amazing to me throughout all this. I hope I can show them the same support in their career/personal goals as they have shown me.

The Mourning Blog For Ruth Lorenzo

So Ruth has been eliminated from X-Factor 2008 while complete and utter guff like Eoghan and Diana go on to the semi-finals. This is a very WRONG joke the voting public is playing on me/Ruth supporters. I'm now losing interest in the show and am no longer upset that I will be doing my play on the final show night. Go on pulic, enjoy your under-aged mediocre TALANT you dickheads. I'm going to wait patiently for the Lorenzo.

In the meantime feast your eyes on her second performance tonight which had me feeling a bit emotional at the end.

Up All Night

My task today is to give myself eyedrops every hour for 24 hours. Yes, that means throughout the night too so there is zero chance I'll get any decent sleep tonight. I don't actually mind too much because if this is what has to be done to prevent a repeat of my hospital stay in August then I'll do it.

The doctors yesterday decided that I should have my cornea scraped to eliminate the threat of a new infection flaring up which is how I spent my Saturday afternoon. Despite it feeling a little less painful that it had been and the doctor nothing that it looked better I still have some anesthetic whacked in my eye and then random needles and cotton wool swabs run over my eye to collect cells for analysis. Note: the "needles" were used length-ways and looked more like kirby grips. I wasn't being stabbed with them. Despite the anestheic I could still feel something, whetther is was pressure or tenderness and as soon as the doctor left the room for the moment I did have to have a cry. Not so much for the pain (because it wasn't too painful) but more for feeling a little bit violated and having to sit through something like that. I probably sound overdramatic but I didn't expect it to affect me that way.

So I've been putting the eye drops in since 2pm and will continue to do so until tomorrow afternoon. I have to go back in the morning so see what they grew from my swabs (if anything) and to decide upon the next course of action. The doctor thinks I could just need to get back on my steroid drops but we have to treat it as if there's an infection there until we can rule that out.

It's frustrating as I just want this to go away as quick as possible so I can continue with life and move on. I just want to get on with my new job (was there for 1 day before I got sick again) and earn some money and get back into a routine again. I want to look and feel good again so I can continue with all my performance plans (I had to cancel a casting for a chocolate advert this week becuase of the eruption in my eye socket). I really want the light sensitivity to go which will make working life and performing life so much easier to do.

I just have to be patient. Which is hard for me to do. Meh.

I Am Tired.

The Move is over now and things are beginning to settle down despite there being some hiccups with my heating system which are still ongoing. I'm trying to relaxing now about it as stressing only wears me out. Most of my stuff is still in boxes as I've realised there is a lack of storage space in this new place. I didn't help things by leaving behind my shelves and the bookcase form the old flat but I couldn't take everything with me in the van. I'll survive. It'll just be an excuse for me to go shopping. I'm actually looking forward to decorating and picking colours and then choosing matching cushions, throws, pictures etc. it will help me settle into this new place and warm to it. I found a shop yesterday that I will definitely return to when I have more money, but in the meantime I purchased some candles (lavender candle burning now), jewelry and a froggy money bank. Small touches, but they help make this place more "mine".

I have been completely knackered and run down week from everything that has happened and now I'm looking forward to getting healthy, being more active and getting on with the various rehearsals, auditions and next months fundraising party. Slightly worried about the Fundraiser because there's a very strong possibility that along with some other members of my drama group, I will be throwing myself to the lions onstage in a bit of comedy impro. This should be car crash viewing! However, I'm going to try to be positive, get in great physical & mental shape so I'll feel less self-conscious on stgae and free up space in my brain to let all the funnies pour out. Say a prayer for me.

PS: Due to my annoying phone compnay, my broadband connection has been delayed TWICE now and I won't have it until September 3rd. I'm on dial-up now and I'm not a happy bunny!