White Outside, Black Inside

I haven't been feeling myself all week and I'm getting very frustrated by it. I'm lacking energy and motivation. Gone it the positivity & optimisim I had at the start of the year and replaced by a big black cloud.

I had a weekend of let-downs and things not going to plan. I didn't get the part I wanted in the I auditioned for last week and have been feeling quite irritated since I learned of the outcome. I've agreed to participate in the show in a smaller role but the excitment about the show in general has gone. (I also auditioned for a small show on Sunday but haven't heard anything from the director so I assume I was not successful with that one too).

I've also spent the past couple of days wondering why I'm wasting my life and why nothing's changed and worrying that nothing will. I continue to fret about money, work etc. and my time just drains away and another year has passed and I'm stll no closer to getting what I want. Last night I had to remind myself that my original and biggest ambition was to sing. Even though I agressively pursued a major singing role in this recent show, singing itself (and writing to an extent) seems to have got lost among stressing, health problems, finding a new place to live, trying to get out of the red etc. Where did I go to?

I'm hoping this weekend will make up for this week. I'm being a total social butterfly and having wine* and a gossip at a friend's new flat, cinema with girls on Saturday and a dinner party on Sunday. I've also got to try to fit in a couple of flatviewings in too, so it's looking busy.
(*= yes, I don't drink wine but I will have the non-alcoholic equivilant)

Hopefully things will look up soon. This could be the long, dark winter finally taking effect, the disruption of normal life due to the freak snowstorms we've had plus I'm also waiting to hear word about my job contract this month. Fingers crossed we all get it renewed this month!